Monday, 12 November 2012

Gold Digger or Independent Woman- Two sides of the same coin?

Placing this in a post so I stop tweeting about the issue and instead make my points in one place. Also, as with all things I think or feel, I reserve the right to change my mind at any point in the future.

The issue at hand is about women being too demanding, feeling entitled and not being “deserving” of things from men (monetary, materialistic things). Are women who have “high” materialistic demands gold diggers?

Let me start by saying that in every partnership, only the parties involved/affected should be making the rules. Stop focusing so much on what “looks right” or is acceptable to the outside world. They will not be helping you dry your tears and they will likely tear you down and forget about you as soon as what you do is not deemed as okay. I believe that in today’s world it is more important than ever that women be able to provide for themselves and their families. We have more opportunities to do so now and we are more aware than ever before of history showing us that there are no guarantees and that, more often than not, being able to do so will become necessary.

I also feel that women have somehow let society force them into inconvenient and uncomfortable positions all because they are afraid of negative perceptions. This had only been to their detriment. If you are in a partnership and you are giving and getting the same as if you were solo, what then is the point of said partnership? Last I checked, you can’t buy groceries just by telling the cashier “I’m a good woman to my man even when he doesn’t deserve it”.

Be able to provide for yourself at least at the basic level, yes. But don’t let society make you feel like there is something wrong with wanting to be with someone who does the same for you or even more. Many men got to where they are on the backs of women who did not ask for anything. And they left those women in the dust after they made it. Do not feel that because you cannot match his monetary contribution, you are unworthy of asking for it. So long as you are doing your part and you are truly being the best mate you can be, it should be okay to ask for what you feel you deserve. The worst that can happen is that they do not feel you deserve that much and then you two will simply figure it out from there. Compromise is not a bad thing and sometimes breaking up is the best option for two people. At the same time, keep striving to be better. Do not get so comfortable that you cannot bounce back if your partner bounces.

There are men out there who do not want their women to spend on them, to spend any money actually. There are women who are content with this. This may not be ideal for you but it does not mean that it cannot and will not be the ideal for others. It does not mean that they cannot be just as happy as you in your relationship set on different priorities. Yes, there may be other facets of the relationship that you may not be willing to put up with but if both parties are ok with it, that is their business. Money symbolizes security to a lot of people. In this capitalist world, we can see why. For many, the end goal is to be rich. This may be because they are used to this or because they have never experienced this financial status and they dream of it. Let’s not pretend that there is no value in being financial able to do a lot of whatever you want in life.

Do not assume that the women who demand a lot financially of their partner are not able to provide for themselves. In this day and age, more women (and men) are becoming smart about how they dig their gold, how they save it and how they invest it. And to say that someone is only deserving of something if they can provide it for themselves is BS. If I put in a valuable contribution to a partnership but I am not able to buy myself the world, are you telling me that neither I nor my partner can say or feel that I deserve the world (or a really expensive equivalent)?
I’d also like to point out that a practice of rich people who are deemed smart is that they never spend their own money, they spend that of others. I have met gold diggers who are very upfront about it who also have their own money whether they work to earn it or they are given it by someone. At the end of the day, the money is theirs and if the source of the money should somehow disappear, they still have enough to get by on a rainy day, month or even year. Many women get left and end up so mad because of how much they gave and how little they received. The ones who ensured they got something tangible out of it have some comfort in knowing that. Maybe there’s something of value that you can take away from a gold digger, Miss Independent.

Whatever route you take, be smart about it.

Men (and women), please stop asking people to be honest with you and then getting mad because you do not like what you hear. If a person has certain standards that they wish for their partner to maintain, wouldn’t you prefer that they are upfront with you about it so that you can decide and tell them if you can meet their standards or not early on? I see where this method would prevent a lot of heartache. 

I wrote a previous post about a Bajan girl I met and many had a problem with her views on relationships and money. However, she was not ashamed in the least and her partner is fine with this fact about her. I also had the displeasure of having to be around a gold-digger who did her very best to hide it from her boyfriend that she was one. She has a time limit after which she would feel comfortable to start having him mind her. Her boyfriend says he dislikes gold diggers but he flashes his assets, he is aware of and takes advantage of the perks he is afforded due to having money. From the history he has and the looks of things, he wants to attract a gold digger but on his terms- he just wants it to LOOK like that is not why she is with him. She is seriously afraid of being branded a gold digger because she cannot deal with how negatively they are viewed. But it does not change the fact that that is exactly what she is. I have no issue with a gold digger who has reconciled herself with the fact that she is one and is honest about it.

But the real issue here is men being frustrated and feeling somewhat emasculated. They do not like the independent woman because she represents someone that threatens their masculinity. But they are not fully able to maintain the one they dub the gold digger and they are also resentful of her. So they have somehow managed to send mixed signals to women who, of course, sop it up like gravy with a biscuit, that women should do their best to be as close to the perfect mate as possible all the while not asking for anything because that is when she will truly be lavished with everything…because only then she will be deemed to be “worthy” of it. There are many out there who tear down women and class them as gold diggers or "whores/hos" and say that these women are trading in their vagina for money. I dare say that these are the same people who call wives glorified prostitutes. I have realized that there is no winning with these people. Once sex takes places between a man and a woman, she is degraded if she has never gotten anything from the man and she is degraded if she has ever gotten anything from the man. Because only men benefit from sex clearly. Do we not (this is especially to the women who support these views) see the problem with having either view? On one hand, it's as if you want women to have sex but never have any ties to those they have sex with ('cause that would put her at risk of being given anything) but on the other, you call her a whore for not having ties with sexual partners. Clearly, you think women are whores either way, it is just that some are cheaper (free) and therefore, more acceptable. Can we not separate money and sex with relation to a woman's status as we can with  man's? But you same people are likely the ones who still think of only females when you hear the word prostitute. Many feel there can be no monetary value put on their vagina. Great. Kudos to you and your 'nani. But don't look down on another because she decided to put one on it. Even worse, do not presume that she put a monetary value on it. Thinking that a woman requires financial contribution from her partner is equivalent to selling her vagina is debasing women as having nothing more to offer to a man than vagina. You are of not of help to the cause that seeks to see women progress in this instance.

And while we are on the notion that gold diggers are a disgrace to womankind. I'd like to point out that not all gold-diggers are female. Also, many of the women being branded as gold diggers are women who come from means and who want partners who also come from means. Is that also a disgrace or is this form of gold digging deemed acceptable? By the way celebrities like Kim Kardashian are slandered based on the status of the men she dates, it seems it is not. Kim should clearly bear in mind the views of the public and sacrifice her comfort and risk financial security with her partner by not having the bank account of her partner be a factor in her decision to date them and she should even go as far as to help raise him up by requiring nothing from him. I mean, we all know that the only way you can find a good man is to find a poor one and struggle with him all the days of your lives and hope he makes it somehow and then pray he doesn't trade you in for a different model.

Maybe she's a gold digger. Maybe she's a woman on her way to being independent by being a gold digger. Maybe she's an independent woman who does not wish to spend her own and would rather save it and have it grow while spending someone else's. So long as she is not stealing it from you or impeding your hustle, try to live and let live.

I just wanted to put some perspective on this argument. There will likely always be gold diggers. There is a market out there for them and they aren't actually hurting anyone (once they are upfront about it). If you don't like gold diggers, do not get involved with or become one. It's simple. And stay out of people's lives and relationships. You'll find it frees up so much time to do things like focus on your own or get one (for those of us who lack one) and to do crazy things like be happy and productive :)


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