I have realized or maybe I should say I have been reminded
of some things lately. Many of them have to do with the issue of caring. It
seems that caring about something or someone or a multiple of either or both of
these is a bad thing in this day and age. If one happens to find one’s self
afflicted with the disease of caring, one must not dare show it- hide it at all
costs if it is to go as far as deceiving others to mask it. Yikes! When did we
become like this? When did it become the “in” thing to “care zero” or “give
zero f**ks”? I mean people spend an insane amount of time trying to come up
with ways to express how much they DON’T care about things- as if it’s not a
reflection of how much of an unhappy place you are at in your life. Yes, I said
it. The fact is happy people care. Unhappy people care too. The latter just
tend to be so burnt by their reality not quite meeting up with their
expectations that they respond negatively to having this very human and
necessary emotion. Happy people give a damn. They give many damns actually. And
they cope far better with the expectation vs reality imbalance than unhappy
people because they get that life is not always according to plan and sometimes
a situation works out worse than you hoped or wanted but dammit, often times,
things turn out waaaaay better than you even dreamed.
As you all know, I am up for two awards (the links to them are in the words "two" and "awards"- it's not just one link) in this year’s blog
awards and I have spoken about what it has meant to me this year. I touched on
the responses I have gotten and the fact that I was less than appreciative of
quite a few of them. Then I realized that I was to be grateful for even those. Though I was
not a fan of the delivery, I should have been glad that people were honest with
me. Firstly, it made me know that my requests were too much for some people
(they simply were not into being asked for votes) their support was not to be
counted on and that’s okay. It’s not a big deal. I still had to ask though because
while you may not get what you ask for, how else would you actually get what you
want? No jokes about just taking it. It doesn’t apply in this instance. Cheeky J . It also showed me that
it is rare for people to put themselves out there and make it known that they
care enough about something to ask for help in achieving it. I had people tell
me that they respect me for being able to do that- as if it’s not a given that
a person would. And the fact is, it isn’t, not anymore. And that is a part of
why so many reacted negatively to my requests. The “spamming” alone could not
have been the reason because last year, I was a spamming tyrant (I was up for 5
last year. Compare that to the one I was up for for the first two days til the
2nd category was put up. Also it was new to me so I was a beast. Lol)
and there was much more support. People are just more jaded and they expect
that everyone should be as well.
I remember that my first response was to say “oh, well, you
can be as negative as you wish. I will remain unphased- except to be most put
off by your off-hand comments”. And then I realized that I was affected. And I
was going to try to hide it and continue asking for this favour JUST to make it
seem like I wasn’t bothered. The fact that I was planning to do this showed
that I would have become just like those who care and hide it. Mark you, for a
little while, I did feel like I didn’t care and that I would be just as zealous
next year and it didn’t matter if they supported or not. But the truth is, the
point of asking for votes was to get support and the fact that I didn’t receive
it in the way I expected did affect me. And that was… IS okay. So I took the
time to really look at the situation and see what I was to get out of it so
that the experience was not all for naught.
I got that it’s super easy and tempting to get caught up in
the negative- so much so that you may end up ignoring the positive completely.
While focusing on the lack of support from those who I thought would be top
cheerleaders to my cause, I was losing sight of the new unexpected Team Nas
campaigners that I acquired. Let me tell you, when something good happens to me
that I did not expect, it puts me on cloud 9 and I can float for days! But I
was adding gravity to my state of being by looking at what didn’t go my way.
Like a spoiled child. Tsk, tsk. No bueno. I also realized that what I really
aspire to have with regards to things like awards is a support base that does
not require prodding. I should have enough readers for my blog and loyalty from
them that I’d simply need a post and then a reminder or two to get the results
that I want.
Additionally, I remember one individual going on a rant
about the nominees who asked for votes saying that we should not blog for votes
or awards, we should blog for the love of it. -_- Because the two are mutually
exclusive, yeah? All the same, I had a conversation with that person and she
eventually got to see my point. Doing something you love does not mean you
would not want recognition for it. We bloggers put time and effort into our
blogs and sometimes external validation is necessary. If that is never the case
for you with respect to your craft then great. You have clearly achieved a
level on Maslow's hierarchy of needs that others have not. But you should bear in mind that everyone is not the same
and give room for our differences in this regard. People who create have a
sensitive relationship with their work and it should not be judged how much or
how little validation a person needs from others to help to push on and create
more.
I made a decision to stop vying for votes. I gave a general
post on Facebook and I posted a couple tweets about it. I dislike the fact that
the vote tally is shown and I get the psychology behind it (my Psychology
training is giving me all the side eyes right now) and I am a little mad that I
fell for it especially since it is only worth 30% which means it means nothing
if the judges don’t give their vote. Last year, I did not get the judges’
votes. I was hopeful but I was also aware of the biases. These biases will no doubt
still be present so I am not sure why I allowed the madness to possess me. I am
not mad that I cared though. It would mean a great deal to me to win and it is
important that I acknowledge and live in this truth. More than that, I acknowledge
that losing once may not sting as much as losing twice and while I assumed I
would be much more prepared to deal with a letdown because the first cut is the
deepest, I may be wrong. While I know they did not truly care about it, I
appreciate the people who pointed out my frenzied approach to campaigning
because they only had my emotional well-being in mind. LOL. I needed a speed
bump to show me that I was dangerously close to setting myself up for
disappointment. For that, I thank them.
You decide the filter you put over your eyes when you view
the world. I wear rose-colored and sometimes teal-tinted glasses (because these
are from my favourite color schemes and I love seeing the world painted with
these colors). Also, I care. And I have no problem with that.
Thank you for reading
