My Problem(s) With Dancehall Artists

This post is an attempt to help dancehall artists build a better brand and hopefully become better entertainers. I will be writing as if speaking to the entertainers themselves up until the "P.S." section

Disclaimer: I will not be calling any names and singling any artists out as I do not wish to be attacked by any crazed or idle fans. Feel free to pass this on to some of your favourite dancehall artists.

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-          Physical appearance- Females: Exercise. Regardless of your body shape or size, this will help you out in the long run. More is required of women in general when it comes to entertaining and having a toned body and increased stamina can only help. Dress for your size. Stop stuffing yourself into your younger and much smaller sister’s clothes. Those “love” handles hate you for what you try to do to them. I get that we all want to look or feel sexy but if you were really honest with yourselves or had a team around you who really cared about your image, you would realize that what the camera captures most often are failed attempts at a contrived view of sexy. I get that dancehall is about extremes and expressing yourself with a lot of flare but sometimes simplicity can be a good friend to you. Practice proper grooming and get decent stylists. There are just too many fashion blogs out there for the mistakes that so many of you make. Spend some money on your look or try to look like you did.

-          Males: Exercise- women like eye candy as well. You already have a really low standard set in terms of how attractive you have to be to be able to become popular; there is no requirement to be handsome, cute or even “not frightening to small children and anyone with eyes that work”. This does not mean that you should look like you collide with a wall or blunt object every day. Honestly, too many of you look like death warmed over or like you recently had a dramatic bout with a chemical peel (Yes, this is directed at the bleachers- putting that much energy into something whose end product is reminiscent of a zombie clown makes absolutely no sense). Dress like you were not surprised that you would have to venture into a public place. At one point I had two theories: Some entity or organization was going around and dragging the men of dancehall out of their beds and forcing them to perform or some gang was robbing them of their decent wardrobe pieces- so much so that they decided to stop trying to acquire any sensible clothes altogether. The sloppiness with which most of you carry yourselves is truly disgraceful considering the fact that you are paid to be public figures and your own fans dress up to see you perform. At least try to match the efforts your fans make. Geez!

-          General Note: Stop looking like everyone else in dancehall or the latest musical pop culture “icon”. Try to present yourself in a manner that is unique and true to who you are, not who you see is “selling big” or who you think is likely to sell big;

-         Stop being so lazy. It’s part of why your fans are lazy to support your work on a larger scale.

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Yohan Blake's Secret

We all know Yohan Blake as one of the fastest men in the world- the second fastest, to be exact, and he is tied with Tyson Gay for that title. If you did not know, you’re not Jamaican and I understand and I forgive you for that. Luckily, now you know this and you may go on your merry way researching fun facts about this incredibly talented and hard-working young man. If you do not wish to stray from this article (which, let’s be honest, none of you do) you are in luck because here you will find one very fun and previously unknown fact about this incredible specimen of a man. I like to lay it on thick….like his thighs. Wait, what? *clears throat* I digress.

Yohan is known by many as “The Beast” a nickname that was apparently given to him by the fastest man in the world and his training partner- Usain Bolt. This nickname is said to be representative of the fact that he trains “like a beast” and is extremely dedicated to his craft. According to Blake, he trains “twice as hard as anybody else” in his pursuit of becoming the fastest man in the world. He became the youngest 100m champion at the World Championships in 2011. Some view Blake as somewhat of an overnight sensation saying that he sprung up out of nowhere or he improved too quickly too soon. Those people have clearly not been paying attention as all sports are prone to those who are “seasonal” fans, having people who are of this opinion is not new and, therefore, not unexpected. Still, there is something that those who have been paying attention may have missed.

Yohan has said that he eats 16 ripe bananas a day as part of his diet when training and my word, that sounds like a lot, but I guess when you’re training like a beast, you have to eat like one. No offense is meant to any monkeys or creatures of the monkey family who may be reading this- “beast” is used in a loving way. After all, we ARE related, according to Darwin, so let’s just consider this a joke amongst family members. Sheesh, so sensitive, uncle monkey J

Getting back on track (see what I did there?), I am writing this to finally spill the secret to Yohan’s success- apart from his natural talent, his drive and his love of potassium. Yohan Blake is…..wait for it……are you waiting? I hope you are…..drumroll, please…..*waits for drumroll*……a Super Saiyan. Many have found his signature pose to be confusing, disturbing or downright dumb (not me, Yohan) but what they fail to realize is that it is in fact homage to his race of fellow Super Saiyans? Rather than have his hair and eyes change colour and freak small children and normal human beings out every time we watch him race, Yohan has done a trade-off with the Super Saiyan gods and has instead harnessed his transformation powers into his fingernails. Bear this in mind the next time you criticize the young man’s pose. Is this an unfair advantage? Of course not! He can’t help that he comes from a powerful race of people and you thinking it’s unfair is racist. Fix that. Hmmph.

For those of you who are not yet convinced and need proof, just see the pics below.

P.S. Save the monkeys J    


Yohan Blake



Yohan Blake


Gogeta Super Saiyan 4


Yohan Blake


Broly Super Saiyan 4

I rest my case.

Disclaimer: All pictures were taken from the internet (Google images, to be precise and I have no clue about Super Saiyans and their levels but I'd put Yohan at about a level 3. He doesn't show enough chest cleavage for level 4).

The Science of “Doing Road”

Disclaimer: This convo will be hard to understand if one is not familiar with Jamaican patois and especially Mavado's song "Do Road" . The post picks up in the middle of a group chat on BBM.

N: Dem nuh know u nuh dealid nutn str8, dawdie?

J: Dem clearly nuh know... Pawdie

T: Uwi a fish. BURNS my SOUL for dem

J: Suh inna real life mi fi call ppl "pawdie/dawdie" & doh feel ridiculous?

T: Yes, u!

T: And hotskull

N: I call______ such. He usually threatens to never carry me on the "endz" as a result but he seems unable to grasp that whether on his endz or not, it's is pertinent that I "do road"

J: =)) =D

T: Lmao!

J: As stated in the portable pawdie booklet

T: Do road!

T: Please ensure that the young man understand the terms and conditions lest he gets "dash ovabode"

J: When 1 "does road" is the cutting like a "samari swoad" a simultaneous activity or a reaction of having done road?

N: The booklet is also available for download to BB or iPhone versions 4s or higher. There is also an app where one can proceed to "cut like a samurye sode"

T: The "samurai swoad" action is dependent on the context of the doing of said road

N: In section 4 (a) (ii), it clearly states that for one to be cutting like a samurai sword in the same time n space as one is doing road, one must have previously or have strict intentions to dash a bwoy overboard

T: I concur. Also the dashing of a bwoy overboard must also tie in with the "come back wid mi ting load" element

T: Once one has "loaded" said thing then and only then may they proceed to the dashing

T: A tad complex really

N: Truly. But one must learn the proper methods lest one does road inappropriately and makes a fool of one's self and end up banished to a life of cake soap and colouring books. *shudders*


J: No seriously, maw bawl.

T: But why? We are trying to "set di code" so we can clearly understand the concept of doing the road

T: Hear, hear Miss N. Only a "tuggie lawd" can readily know the difference

N: Let it be noted that it is essential that one's dogs lack food as well. Doing road with dogs who have food is quite tacky. Takes away from the intention and purpose of the "Do Road" Act 2011

T: That's an excellent point of information! Also, someone need to get your head confused as well

T: It is imperative that all factors of doing road are present of said action will fail

N: Ahhh, yes. Doing road may sound simple to the layman but a real mcCoy knows the intricacies.

N: A toast to the gully god himself, Mavado, for enlightening us

T: *applause*

Conversation with a Bajan woman

In the faculty lunch room last week, I met a fascinating Bajan woman and we discussed a few topics that I found interesting which I’ll share with you.

• The first topic is Relationships and Security

On this topic, she made it a point to tell a colleague that we can’t have the full Bajan experience unless we get a Bajan man while we’re here. Mark you, her partner is not Bajan.

“Bajan men are great partners- they’ll give you their money easily and if u cheat, they’ll just drink.” This last part was significant because other men from different cultures would react much differently apparently. Which brings me to her next  point:

“Never date a Vincentian, a married man or a police. A Vinci (Vincentian) man will chop u up; they can’t take a hurt.” These three categories of men to be wary of were given to her by her mother, she said, and “If it comes out o my modda mout’, it mus be true”

As it relates to the other two categories

“Police men are always broke. From the day they join the force to their last day. They spend the money on flashy cars and all these expensive things so nothing’s left for you”

A male friend of hers who was present also made a point to say that Guyanese police are also on the poorer end of the spectrum but that this is due to how low they get paid. He said they protect you in the day and commit crimes against you in the night. “That’s why our police are so well taken care of- our government knows better” This male friend is also Bajan.

“If you dealing with a married man, know your place. Don’t call that man after 5- the man is eating with his family. Never disrespect the main woman. He’s been stringing you along for 2-3 years for a reason! He’s not gonna leave his wife for you. After 4 years, he’s gonna drop u ‘cause he doesn’t want u to bring he (him) to court and sue, 5 years are coming up.”

 For those who don’t realize the significance of 5 years in a relationship, it means you are now common law relationship in the eyes of the law. But this only applies if you have been living together the entire 5 years.

• Then we tackled the issue of security in relationships

My friend was present and she has been with her partner for over 6.5 years. I was teasing (with 50% seriousness) her to get married and get her benefits.

“You don’t need to get married. Just make sure your name is on the bank account. Two years in, my name has to be on that bank account. Every night I’m there doing my womanly duties and nothing? *laughs*”